Have you ever dreaded giving feedback to a team member? You’re not alone. As a CTO, you’ve probably found yourself in situations where you needed to provide critical feedback, only to worry about how it might be received. Will they take it personally? Will it lead to defensiveness or worse—conflict?
In this post, we’ll explore practical techniques to help you deliver feedback in a way that not only avoids conflict but also strengthens your team’s performance. Inspired by insights from speaking coach Matthew Matheson, let’s dive into strategies that can transform feedback from a point of tension into an opportunity for growth.
Why Giving Feedback Is So Challenging
Let’s start with the root of the issue: why is giving feedback so difficult, especially in tech roles? As a CTO, you’ve worked your way up from a technical background where success was often measured by problem-solving and technical skills. However, leadership demands a different set of skills—particularly communication.
Matthew Matheson hits the nail on the head when he says:
“The biggest challenge is when conversations meant to be formal and planned turn ad-hoc and spontaneous. Suddenly, you’re on the spot, unprepared, and it feels like a minefield.”
When feedback is poorly timed or not delivered with care, it can easily lead to misunderstandings, defensiveness, and conflict. That’s why mastering feedback delivery is crucial for any tech leader.
Understanding the Feedback Dilemma
Feedback conversations often go wrong because of emotional triggers. When a team member feels criticized, their natural defense mechanisms kick in, and before you know it, the conversation spirals out of control. This is where frameworks like Nonviolent Communication (NVC) come into play.
According to Matthew:
“NVC helps us break the judgment cycle. Instead of escalating conflicts, we learn to express needs and make requests clearly, without blame or defensiveness.”
This is gold for CTOs who find themselves in high-pressure situations. Let’s break it down.
The Nonviolent Communication (NVC) Framework
Nonviolent Communication, developed by Marshall Rosenberg, is a powerful tool that transforms the way we approach feedback. It’s built on four key steps:
- Observation – State the facts without judgment.
- Feelings – Share how the situation makes you feel.
- Needs – Express the unmet needs behind those feelings.
- Request – Make a clear, actionable request to address the issue.
Here’s how this framework might look in practice. Instead of saying, “You’re not meeting deadlines,” you could reframe it using NVC:
- Observation: “I noticed the last two sprints were delayed.”
- Feelings: “I’m feeling concerned because these delays affect the project timeline.”
- Needs: “I need to understand the root cause so we can address it together.”
- Request: “Can we find time to review the process and identify where improvements can be made?”
By removing judgment and focusing on the facts, you give your team member the space to engage without feeling attacked. This approach encourages problem-solving instead of defensiveness.
Why Timing and Intention Matter
When it comes to feedback, timing is everything. Feedback delivered in the heat of the moment often misses the mark and can trigger emotional responses. Instead, set a time to discuss the issue when both parties are calm and ready to engage in a constructive conversation.
Matthew suggests setting clear intentions before entering these discussions:
“Before every meeting, set an intention. Whether it’s ‘I’ll listen more than I speak,’ or ‘I’ll focus on solutions, not blame,’ these small mental shifts can change the tone of the entire conversation.”
By setting your intention before the feedback session, you create a space where both parties can collaborate, rather than compete.
How to Handle Defensive Reactions
Even with the best intentions, feedback can sometimes be met with defensiveness. What do you do when a team member starts pushing back or gets emotional?
Matthew advises staying grounded and avoiding the escalation trap:
“Silence is power. It shows that you’re in control and thoughtful about your responses. Give your team member a moment to process, and don’t rush to fill the space with more words.”
By allowing space for silence, you give the other person time to process the feedback without feeling rushed. Often, what feels like an eternity of silence is actually just a few seconds—and it can work wonders for defusing tension.
If the team member continues to push back, acknowledge their emotions without agreeing or disagreeing. You might say, “I understand this is difficult to hear, and I appreciate your honesty. Let’s work through it together.”
The Importance of Follow-Up
Feedback is not a one-time event. After delivering feedback, follow up with your team member to check how they’re doing and whether the issue has been addressed. This reinforces the idea that feedback is part of a continuous improvement process, not a “gotcha” moment.
Ask open-ended questions like:
- “How are you feeling about the changes we discussed?”
- “Have you had a chance to reflect on our conversation?”
- “Is there anything I can do to support you further?”
This reinforces trust and shows that you’re invested in their growth, not just correcting mistakes.
Turning Feedback into Growth Opportunities
Ultimately, feedback is about growth—for both the team member and the team as a whole. When handled correctly, feedback can be a powerful tool for building a more cohesive, productive, and motivated team.
Here’s a final thought from Matthew to keep in mind:
“Feedback isn’t about delivering criticism. It’s about giving someone the information they need to succeed. When framed this way, it becomes a positive, not a negative.”
Final Thoughts
As a CTO, you’re tasked with leading not only the technical direction of your team but also their professional development. Mastering the art of giving feedback—without creating conflict—will empower your team to grow and perform at their best.
Remember, tough conversations don’t have to be painful. With the right tools, like the NVC framework and thoughtful preparation, you can turn even the most challenging feedback into an opportunity for growth.
